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What Not to Wear

03/21/2012

Either the apocalypse is imminent or spring has sprung ridiculously early, and the warmer temps have sent everybody… indoors. The gym has been packed the past few days. Gotta get those tris ready for tank top season, I s’pose. However, with the influx of exercise enthusiasts (read: underage girls that just sit on the equipment sexting) comes some, ahem, unfortunate wardrobe choices. Here is my version of what NOT to wear to the gym. For the sake of my precious eyeballs, heed my words.

Do not wear…

…your hair down
It is not sexy when your sweaty hair is sticking to the side of your face, the back of your neck, and getting caught in your armpits. I don’t care that you spent 6 hours flat ironing your extensions, put your hair in a ponytail. Better yet, combine that pony with a Sweaty Band. They’re super cute and will keep your bangs out of all that sparkly eyeshadow you meticulously applied before heading to the gym.

Get yo'self a scrunchie!

…spandex/lycra fabrics 3 sizes too small
Just because you can get it on, up, over, around, between, and through doesn’t mean it fits. Not sure what I mean? Camel toes and moose knuckles. I don’t need to see them. Ever. And really, why would you want to put your most precious bits through that kind of strangulation? Also, avoid all animal prints.

Not gym appropriate, male or female.

…Victoria’s Secret
Nothing says “I go to 3rd base in the parking lot of Bill Gray’s!” more than LOVE PINK apparel at the gym. Add sequins and I’m pretty sure I’m going to see you getting a cheek swab on an episode of Maury Povich. This goes double for body glitter and/or a tattoo of your nickname across your chest and/or lower back.

Save PINK logowear for sleepover parties.

…Denim anything
I don’t think I need to elaborate beyond one word: chafing. Besides, my blogging buddy Jill over at Jogging Jeans has extensively covered this workout no-no. Unless you are Chuck Norris, this applies to you.

Yes, I would date this guy. But no, I do not want to workout alongside him.

And a postscript on accessories–storing your iPhone/iPod/electronic device in between your sweaty breasts while you workout is grosser than gross. Seriously, it makes me want to vomit. Stop it. Stop it now. Leave your phone in your locker. You’re not that important. No one will miss you for the 30 minutes you are pretending to use the elliptical but are really watching Teen Mom.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. 03/25/2012 12:23 PM

    Too funny!!! How about girls who put on full makeup BEFORE working out? Obv they’re not planning to sweat.

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