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Not an epic fail, but a fail nonetheless.


Late last summer I ventured to the high school pool a few humiliating times (the first of which you can read about here). My fleeting career as the next Dara Torres ended the day I had to share a lane with a triathlete. Next to her, I looked like I was drowning in a forward motion. Not being a fan of doing things I suck at–especially in public–I never went back.

Although I joined the Deep Water Workout class at the pool on Thursday nights, I hadn’t been back to lap swim since Septemberish. I’ve been trying to psych myself up and get over that whole “looking like an asshole” hangup I have, but my efforts were futile. I kept finding excuses not to go: “The pool is wet.” “It’s Monday.” “I don’t have $3.00.” “Women shouldn’t go swimming when they have their periods because they could get a shock.” I was full of reasons not to swim, all of them based on logic and science.

Last night I layed out my bathing suit and packed my towel and locker lock. My alarm was set for EARLY, and I was determined to get the hell over myself and get back in the pool. I really want to aqua jog because it’s supposed to be super-de-duper awesome for runners, especially runners rehabbing injuries. Even Jeff Galloway tweeted the benefits of aqua jogging on the Twitter this week. But aqua jogging looks super-de-duper stupid so I figured I would ease back into lap swim with some kickboard stuff. I could work my leg muscles without wearing a flotation belt or looking like I needed to be rescued. Win-win! Before bed, I read some kickboardy workouts on the internetsweb and was totally mentally prepared to avoid all embarrassing situations. It was time. I was going back.

Here is the chronology of my triumphant return:

5:15 Alarm goes off.

5:16 Think “Oh, shit.”

5:17 Eat a Honey Stinger Waffle and peruse Facebook.

5:30 Get out of bed, go to the bathroom, get dressed, brush my teeth, wash my face, and brush my hair.

5:41 Leave.

5:47 Arrive at the high school. Spy on the old people waiting to get in from the warmth and safety of my car.

5:50 Enter lobby and wait.

5:54 Still waiting.

5:58 Still waiting.

6:01 Still waiting.

6:02 Teen Lifeguard enters and says “So, I’ve got like, uh, some like totally bad news! Whoever worked last night took the keys home, and we can’t like open anything! Or turn anything on. We called our boss but he didn’t answer. Um… wait for a few more minutes.”

6:03 Under the guise of playing with my Steve Jobs phone I eavesdrop on the olde tyme folks waiting. I learned that the octogenarian that once told me I swim like “just like” him was born in 1925, only has one good hearing aid (that he borrowed from a friend), and carries a pistol–but leaves it in the car when he comes to the pool, which is only slightly reassuring. I also learned that Gruff Mannered Lady makes the best coffee out of all her German family. German people like their coffee strong and no one in America–not even Starbucks–makes coffee strong enough, so when people from Germany come to Rochester for exotic American vacations, they will only drink her coffee.

6:10 Teen Lifeguard returns with a Co-Teen Lifeguard and reports “So, uh, our boss is usually a good guy but he’s not answering his phone today so like, we don’t know what to do. We’re gonna look for a janitor. BRB!”

6:11 Begin to get kinda sorta pretty pissed off.

6:14 Teen Lifeguard and Co-Teen Lifeguard return to announce “The janitor guy can’t help us so we are like going to close the pool today. I’m sure it will be open tomorrow! I’m like sorry you got up so early for nothing. Look–we made a sign that the pool is closed but we don’t even have any tape to hang it!” Co-Teen Lifeguard makes a dramatic show of slapping a piece of notebook paper to the door and then watching it fall to the ground.

6:15 I get in my car. I don’t have enough time to go to the for-real gym so I head home.

6:20 Everyone is still asleep. I think that seems like a really good idea, and I go back to bed for another hour and 10 minutes.

So. Yeah.

And the worst part of this whole inconvenience? I wrestled into my new bathing suit for NOTHING.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. 03/14/2012 10:26 AM

    6:14 – lol.

  2. raginle quewsterd permalink
    11/10/2012 4:40 AM

    U r so fat .u see hair hanging out of ur suit .

  3. Vanessa permalink
    05/14/2014 8:55 PM

    is that picture a joke? i think it is right? that bathing suit is meant for people who don’t have saggy cellulite and is over 35. Gross you made me vomit and feel real sorry for your obviously humiliated kids.

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