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I’m not all piss and vinegar.


So my friend Tawnya stopped by yesterday. I was in a bad mood so she got to watch me give MY HUSBAND the finger behind his back (if MY HUSBAND is reading this, I didn’t really do that) while I served her shitty pizza (the pizza was not my fault–Western New York pizza is atrocious). But I don’t think she minded because Tawnya was raised on a farm so she doesn’t know better. This explains why she enjoys Zumba, married her husband, and reads this blog.

The Gang: Me, MY HUSBAND, Mr. Tawnya, Tawnya, and the Plaps

See how many people I managed to insult in four short sentences and a Lego picture? THAT’S why I haven’t been blogging lately. Because without running, I am a mean, mean lady. I am thisclose to wearing a house coat and yelling at the neighbor kids and punching kittens.

In my defense, Tawnya once attacked me with a chicken.


And really, even if I was a nice person, how much do my three blog readers want to read about my stupid leg? Sure, I never get sick of talking about myself (which is why I blog), but the topic is probably wearing pretty thin after 6 long, hostile weeks. So in an effort to post some unangry things on RFDFD, here is a list titled Suzanne: 10 Examples of Dumbassery.

In 6th grade I wore jorts to my PAL track meets. JORTS. JORTS. I should dig up some pictures for Jogging Jeans Jill.

In college we wore overalls to the bar. OVERALLS. OVERALLS. To the bar. OVERALLS.

During the Children’s Librarian days, I once said “areola” instead of “oriole” reading a picture book about spring to preschoolers.

Right before high school I decided it would be a good idea to cut off all my hair to look like Chyna Phillips. I really looked like the boy from Dutch WHO–WTF?–I just learned on IMDB was ETHAN EMBRY?!?! NICK PAPAGEORGIO!!!

During my waitress days, I once served pork chops to a customer and convinced him it was Mako by explaining “It is a different kind of Mako.” For those of you not in the know, Mako is shark.

When MY HUSBAND and I first started dating I accidentally drooled on his face.

When MY HUSBAND and I were fighting I accidentally drooled Skittles all over my shirt sacrificing all credibility.

I called my wedding “fake” in front of the Justice of the Peace and she yelled at me in a manner I would deem “very severe” and not unlike Sister Winifred when she seized my gallon-sized bag of super balls I won fair and square playing Skee Ball at Chuck E. Cheese’s and then used to torment my 6th grade teacher.

I fell down an entire flight of stairs in front of a date. Conclusion: I should never wear clogs. Ever.

3 days into my sophomore year, the dorm RA entered my room to tell us to keep it down and found me in a bathrobe-fashioned-cape and Burger King crown wielding a light saber, the official weapon of a Jedi Knight. She pretty much avoided me for the rest of the semester.

Obviously the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree...

...And I stil enjoy being fast food royalty.

One Comment leave one →
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