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Books are dumb. Libraries should be destroyed. I support Fahrenheit 451 even thought it was too boring to read.

02/09/2012

Have you ever mused “You know what is missing from my personal library? A book that makes me sob like an insane crazy crazy person from cover to cover.”? Because that is what my sister-in-law Meggie must have thought when she purchased, read, and then lent me Sisterhood Everlasting. She must have thought “There are not nearly enough tears in Suzanne’s life. She’s far too happy!” or, more likely, she thought “Suzanne wants to moan about that hurt leg again, huh? Well, I’ll give that whiney ho something to cry about!” Because cry I did. I cried like a bitch over the 48-hours it took me to read the conclusion to a series about magical dungarees.

Basically, Sisterhood Everlasting is the 5th (kinda 6th but we don’t really count 3 Willows) book in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. It takes place 10 years after Effie (that brat!) ran off to Greece and lost the beloved jeans in a gyro or the ocean or whatever. No spoilers, but if you were a fan of these dumb girls and their preposterous storylines back in the day, then you will love and hate this book at the very same time. Love because everyone likes to find out what happened to the favorite series characters (DO YOU HEAR THAT ANN M. MARTIN???) and Ann Brashares does the flash forward way better than Francine Pascal (I’m mean, really, Jessica + Todd and Elizabeth + Bruce Patton. Bitch, please! That would NEVER happen!). Hate because all the crying will give you a migraine.

Worst casting decision ever? Blake "Mumbles" Lively as Bee. Ignoring the speech impediment, did you see her running form during the soccer camp scenes? Blech!

This is why I don’t read anymore. Books are dumb and just manipulate your emotions. They are shitty boyfriends that plan to take you to the Olive Garden for microwaved pasta on Valentine’s Day and then show up 4 hours late with a hickey (not from you) clutching a greasy bag from Checkers. Books are like bound clusterfucks (side eye at Jodi Picoult). And I can say this with authority because I have a Masters in Library Science. But mark my words, I am not going to be tricked into having human feelings by words ever again! Hey, you know what doesn’t mess with your mind? Running. Running never makes me cry. Running makes me punch crying in the face!

But, as I may have mentioned, I can’t run. Because I’m sidelined with a mystery injury that the characters in Clue would have done better with than the orthopaedic team over at the Canada Bone Medicine Feel Better Centre (not its real name, but the “re” in “centre” is a realistic touch, eh?). Perhaps Colonel Mustard can wack my hobo leg with a candlestick and I’ll be cured? Because at this point I will try anything. PT was useless as was that Zensah thigh sleeve. Even though I fall squarely into the S/M measurements, I couldn’t get that thing all the way up my leg, and when I ALMOST shimmied it all the way up (with the help of a construction crane and some spells I learned reading Harry Potter and the Pale Meaty Thighs), the band rolled down. It really needed to be about 3 inches longer and maybe another inch wider at the top. The pictures on their website are slightly misleading; it does not cover the full length of the thigh and is actually the size of a knee brace. Sure, the compression felt great on my uninjured parts but that isn’t what I shelled out $24 American for. I should probably return it but I am kinda lazy and the post office is pretty sketchy. In fairness to Zensah, their calf sleeves and compression socks are supposed to be awesome, but this product was a disappointment. I think I am going to move on to KT Tape, and if that fails, I’m just going to cut the damn thing off and read sad books the rest of my life.

Workout 1 of 2 with the thigh sleeve

(I am not this much of a Bitter Betty in real life. I only play one in this post.)

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. 02/09/2012 10:11 AM

    I think your injury has only increased the snark in your blogs.

    • Suzanne permalink*
      02/09/2012 10:17 AM

      Says you.

      • 02/10/2012 8:40 AM

        I don’t just say, I KNOW because I am one of your MANY faithful blog readers.

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