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A Ouija Board, a replica Harry Potter wand from Party City, and a case of Milwaukee’s Best would have diagnosed and treated this injury better.

02/02/2012

So today I had my second–AND LAST–physical therapy appointment. It went like this:

PT asked me some pretty subjective and, in my humble opinion, unscientific questions like “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being like “I feel really good!” and 10 being “My leg was attacked by a cheetah!” how do you feel right now?” and “Now, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being like “I want to die!” and 10 being “This is the best day of my life?” how does your leg feel when you breathe?”

PT then starts talking about how much he loves a glass of wine and if he grows old and gets Alzheimer’s and can’t enjoy a glass of the vino and tell a joke then he just doesn’t want to live.

PT then has me sit on the recumbent bike (which makes me feel lazy because it is a chair with pedals) and disappears for 10 minutes. I can only guess that he was tweeting wiener pictures or something creepily similar.

PT comes out had has me do squats even though throughout my entire injury I’ve been doing squats pain-free. He does not watch me do these squats. He rifles through the filing cabinet because that is more important.

PT has me do standing side leg lifts. When I tell him that my bad leg hurts when it is the stabilizing leg–thinking this is valuable information for a PT–he says “Yes! Your leg muscles function in two ways–to stabilize for balance and to move for movement.” I will pause here to state: I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.

PT has me do 10 side planks holding each for 5 seconds. He does not watch this either.

PT tells me to stretch while he disappears again. Maybe to sell meth online to high school kids in Reno.

PT returns with an electric band-aid that will deliver some sort of “medicine” through my leg for the next two hours. He tells me to peel it off at 6:30, stay sedentary for the night so the medicine can “sink in,” and assures me the electrodes will not electrocute me or make me have a stroke (I inquired).

PT shakes my hand without any follow-up instructions such as “I’d like to see you in 2 weeks!” or “Do these stretches!” or “Don’t eat yellow snow!”

Some sort of nicotine patch.

So.

There.

You.

Have.

It.

Needless to say, I will not return to PT. I was unhappy with my previous appointment but now I am besides myself with pissedoffedness. What kind of quackery is this? And I guarantee that my insurance company will be billed a jillion dollars. Because I am so damn desperate to run again (it will be 4 weeks Saturday since my last run) I will follow his instructions tonight (and miss my Deep Water Workout which now means I shaved my legs for nothing this morning) but I am pretty sure that this space-age band-aid has about as much of a chance of helping as I have going unicornback riding with the cast of The Facts of Life (although that would be freaking sweeeeeet).

I am sure that this is not how all physical therapists operate, but I have been to three different orthopedists (for three separate injuries) that have sucked so I think that it is finally time to go the “alternative” medicine approach. I am going to find someone who does ART (Active Release Therapy) or Trigger Point Massage tomorrow and take it from there. But, really, holy shit.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Laura B permalink
    02/02/2012 9:34 PM

    This made me laugh! Well done! I am going to an all women’s facitility & have had a much different experience. I’ve been going 2-3 times a week for 1 1/2-2 hours each time (which always seems like a lot of time spent there). My 1st session was an evaluation & then the next few I was trained on how to do a series of stretches. Now when I go I usually start with 10-15 min under a heated pad then bike or elliptical then all my different stretches. At the end they massage and ultrasound. It reminds me a lot of my yoga days….they’re teaching me to pay attention to what I’m doing and slow down and work my core. I have a series of exercises that they have me do at home each day as well. Takes about an hour which sucks. I find that I look forward to going. It’s very soothing. Good luck! I hope you are pain free soon! I keep thinking that the good thing about being injured is that it makes you appreciate running injury free.

  2. 02/03/2012 9:49 AM

    Yes, the dude clearly pimps himself on-line and sells meth. Why does he need his PT job anyway? Probably wants to look at hotties like yourself. I’m sure there are some good PTs out there. Sorry you haven’t found one yet.

    • Suzanne permalink*
      02/03/2012 9:53 AM

      I don’t know for sure that that’s where he kept disappearing to but I do know for sure that he was clearly disinterested in me and my leg. But I guess he gets paid the big bucks no matter what so whatever for me.

  3. Christine permalink
    02/03/2012 1:28 PM

    I’m so sorry about your crappy experience. I tore my hamstring a few years ago playing touch football (don’t ask), and the PT people were so great, my leg healed completely. Hopefully you find some better alternatives up there in Canada soon so that you can get back out on the road again.

  4. 02/03/2012 1:46 PM

    Seriously? You should go all super bitch and complain. That is not okay, total waste of your time. ART should really help.

    • Suzanne permalink*
      02/03/2012 1:48 PM

      This is probably a dumb question, but can you complain at medical offices? It’s not like a restaurant or Hot Topic (I don’t really shop there).

  5. Edie permalink
    02/03/2012 7:10 PM

    So hilarious (your description, not the experience)! Pretty much sums up my 3 months of flushing $ down the toilet at myPT’s office. Although I did get to hear all about his divorce & all the woman that want to date him. Blech! & what a mystery case I was & how they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better. Really? Because you ding dongs have been having me do the elliptical & mini tramp & a whole bunch of other crap that is making it worse! Oh & I am not a medical mystery. I was easily diagnosed by google md. Sorry for the soapbox. I can just sympathise. & yes, some pts are really good. I just didn’t get one. Going for ART next week. Hope you get in soon & heal fast!

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