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I continue to be a moron wrapped in moron.


I’ve always prided myself on being able to figure out how to use things pretty quickly. With the exception of Tampax and my new Soleus 1.0 GPS watch, I’ve always tossed aside directions with I hearty “I don’t need these!” laugh. And I’ve been successful aside from ONE thing (and by successful I mean “not looking like an asshole in public”)–the stair stepper.

Since college this machine has been my exercise nemesis. From the gym at SUNY Cortland (that I sometimes went to 8 times) to Lucille Roberts to Synergy to Women’s Domain (not only was that was its real name but it was in a basement and there were cats just walking around stealing your soul while you lifted weights) to Planet Fitness and now to the IHS weight room, proper and effective use of the stair stepper has eluded me. I just cannot get it.

Every single attempt at this machine has been a total fail, including this morning. I always get up on the steps and nothing happens. They don’t move. Adjusting the resistance to 1 will make them sink down about an inch so I have to puuush down extraordinarily hard to try to mimic a stair climbing motion–but I pretty much just end up looking like I am climbing a set of itty bitty teeny tiny doll stairs, as if I were ascending the stairs in Barbie’s Dream House.

I have even googled “how to use the stair stepper” and I still can’t figure out what in the dumbass I am doing wrong. Why won’t life let me have toned glutes, quads, and hams???

This video from Livestrong did nothing but point out what a moron I am:

Shanay makes keeping her feet in the middle look so easy! Mine wont stay in the middle. Mine want to stay firmly at the top. What the eff, stubborn stupid feet?!? Today I waited until everyone left the weight room and the only other person there was the Person in Charge (who is my new bestie so long as I leave by 6:25 AM) before attempting my Annual Mortifying Stair Stepper Moment. I was trying so hard it was making my shoulders and arms ache! That’s the opposite of the body parts I was trying to firm! I tortured myself for 10 whole minutes, and although I don’t think I reaped one cardiovascular benefit, embarrassment caused me to sweat profusely thereby burning some calories by default. Too bad they were probably brain calories (that’s really a thing, don’t question my science) and I left the IHS weight room even more stupider.

So, for real, what am I doing wrong? Why can I figure out the new Microsoft Excel but not a machine regularly mastered by girls covered in spray tan and the AXE body spray of the random guy they hooked up with last night? Why does my Masters in Library Science continue to fail me at every turn???

Look at this ho making things look so easy!

One Comment leave one →
  1. 11/03/2011 3:22 PM

    That’s one of the things I hated about working out, trying to figure out how to use the equipment while not feeling/looking like a dumbass.

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