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100 Unicorn Kisses


If you want to see some weird stuff on the Interwebs, search google images for "unicorns kissing."

100 unicorn kisses not only sums up the 100 blog posts on Run Fast and Don’t Fall Down (milestone!), but it also describes how silky and smooth my hair feels after Kyle B worked his exceedingly tall magic on it Monday. Stupid pre-natal vitamins with their good-for-baby folic acid made my hair resemble a mop made out of a broom. But not anymore, bitches! When I booked the appointment, I pictured Kyle B as Boy George in Taboo. This is sort of because I am demented but mostly because I was watching a TV special on Rosie O’Donnell’s career when I made the appointment. It turns out that Kyle B is a very tall, very good-looking version of Dax Sheppard (clean-cut Dax Sheppard, not dirty hippy Parenthood Dax Sheppard) who weighs exactly the same as me. Luckily, because he was so malnourished, I was able to pay for my luxurious salon ‘do with a chicken pot pie.

This is NOT who cut my hair.

The best hair day of my life was followed by the most craptastic day. My alarm didn’t go off and I missed my run (not that I was too broken-hearted to miss a track workout, but still). It was picture day at school so I needed the kids to look relatively clean which Madylin interpreted to mean “Pretend you are at a day spa and take an extra, extra, extra long shower!” That’s what I get for letting her use my very fancy new shampoo and conditioner Kyle B tricked me into buying highly recommended. By the time we left, Sean already had food on his shirt and he was late. When we finally got to school, I was walking Mady and Sean across the parking lot while holding Amelia. Mady started walking in front of me but really slow. She kept making me stumble and I kept yelling at her to move. Being the oblivious 8-year-old she is, Madylin steps in front of me instead of away from me and trips me. I didn’t want to land on Amelia so I stuck my left knee out to break my fall–this is what every smart runner does, by the way. I landed in the dirt and woodchips in front of a gaggle of teachers and an entire bus load of kids. Not only was I hurting big time, but I was mortified. I told Mady to walk Sean to his classroom and limped back to the car with both Amelia and me crying. Nice.

After a stop home for a diaper change and mascara clean-up, I headed to Sears in Greece to get Amelia’s pictures done. I booked an appointment online for 10:00 which would give me enough time to get a good headshot to match Mady and Sean’s school pictures and then be back to pick Sean up at 11:00. When I got to the portrait studio, the troll behind the counter tells me they double booked the appointment and I would have to come back at noon. I told her that that was impossible and there was a reason I made a 10:00 appointment. She was all insincere David Spade sorry like “Yeeeeeah, oooh, well seeeee, we’re double booked, sooooo, maybe you can reschedule.” I very loudly but not crazy said to her “YOUR ONLINE RESERVATION SYSTEM SUCKS AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS WILL NEVER USE SEARS AGAIN!” (not that anyone I know shops at Sears but I am not above empty threats and meaningless declarations) and stalked out as bassass as I could pushing a pink stroller with hearts all over it. So, loyal blog reader, add Sears to the list of stores/businesses/people that are dead to me.

After I picked up Sean from school, he and Amelia took turns having tantrums that I am sure made my neighbors put CPS on speed dial. When the noise level lowered to a dull roar, I thought the bulk of the day’s craptacularness was over. Wrong. Sean then nonchalantly mentions “Tonks is outside peeing in the grass.” It took me a couple of seconds to figure out what he was saying and through an aggressive line of questioning (which entailed me ear-peircingly screeching “Did you let the dog out?”) I discovered that yes, Sean let Tonks out. How very helpful of him. Last time Tonks got out unleashed she headed straight across Seneca which is a pretty busy street at the end of my block, so I was pretty sure I was going to have to scrape my dead puppy off of the road. I looked for her around the yard but finally had to load the Demonic Dynamic Duo into the car and drive up and down our block looking for Tonks. On the second pass I found her all the way down by the church and was able to lure her over with my charm and freeze-dried chicken treats. And luckily she is still alive and well enough to piss all over my hardwood floors.

See that blanket on the clothes line? Yeah, Tonks pissed on that too.

But you know how kids do shitty things all day and then say something adorable and you forget how they almost made you commit murder a few hours before? That’s what happened to me. Just minutes away from me being committed, Sean sits down, slips his little noodle arm around my waist, and says “Mom, we’re besties!” Awwwwww.

Manipulative little jerk.

And now it is Wednesday. Started ok, although my alarm didn’t go off again. I usually use my cell phone but that is dead (I cannot find the charger and I haven’t Mr Wizard’s Worlded a cell phone charger made out of a potato soaked in Gatorade and plutonium… yet) and obviously the alarm on my Nike watch sucks. I missed going to the IHS weight room but went for a run instead. It was pretty good–I pushed the pace just a touch and averaged 8:47 per mile which makes me feel that I am finally getting back into shape and may have a good 5K to end 2011 after all. Then I was able to shower, dress the kids, and get Madylin off to school without incident. But the most special part of this morning is my 100th blog post! Time to open that box of wine I’ve been saving!

In honor of my 100th postaversary, I am having a special giveaway. If you comment on this post, you will be entered in an invisible raffle to win… VERY GOOD THOUGHTS! One winner, picked entirely at random based upon how much he or she sucks up to me, will be sent VERY GOOD THOUGHTS telepathically from my brain, through the air, to his or her brain! Examples of VERY GOOD THOUGHTS may include:

  • You make delicious sandwiches!
  • Good for you!
  • I like your sneakers!
  • Today is Wednesday!
  • Yellow is my favorite color!
  • Just do it!
  • Your hair-line isn’t that noticeable!
  • I like potato chips, too!
  • Say hi to your mom for me!
  • That joke was funny!
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff!
  • …and many more!

If there was ever a contest you wanted to win, it is this one. So comment away, loyal blog reader–in the VERY GOOD THOUGHTS giveaway, flattery gets you everywhere!

One final note of ridiculous–I purchased a headlamp. I really admire the fashion sense of the Chilean miners and spelunkers so I just wanted to have one, but I suppose I can use it for running too. It is pretty damn dark at 6:00 AM. So far I’ve only worn it to unsuccessfully seduce My Lovah, but expect some sort of headlamp rant/rave in the near future.

Peace. Love. Headlamp.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Martha permalink
    10/26/2011 12:32 PM

    Love the brightness of the headlamp. LOL! Which kind did you buy because after last night wearing mine with a rain soaked hat on, it was bothering me. I may need a new one that is less “weighty”.

    And if I win the good thought raffle – please send me good thoughts along the lines of “this too shall pass” – my mom is coming to visit today as well as still having Bryon home from his surgery – I will definitely needs some good thoughts (if you knew my mom you would understand!)

    • Suzanne permalink*
      10/26/2011 1:04 PM

      I got the $10 mini headlamp at Target. It was in the camping section. I didn’t want to spend $30 at The Very Good Run Fast Shoppe if I wasn’t going to really use it that much, you know? Medved is having a winter snowshoe clinic I might do and you need a headlamp so now I have once just in case. I actually wore it today but never turned it on bc I could see the sidewalks–some mornings seem darker than others!

  2. 10/28/2011 10:53 PM

    Jim found your charger and it is on its way home to you, so now your day can get better.

    • Suzanne permalink*
      10/29/2011 8:26 AM

      By the time it gets here, maybe I will have my Christmas iPhone. Which is exactly what Steve Jobs would have wanted… before he died.

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